tears ≠ unprofessional

What do tears at work say about a person?

They are weak?
They are upset?
They are vulnerable?
They are courageous?

When I was in my early career there was a clear but unspoken rule that any sign of tears (with the exception of a family member dying) was a sign of being unprofessional.

That you couldn’t “handle the pressure” or that you were “not coping”. 

The assumption was that "being emotional" meant you couldn’t be reasonable or rational.

To show hurt or disappointment or tears was career-limiting.

So moving up the corporate ladder required suppressing emotion. Swallowing what you were feeling. “Just hold it together” was what I was told. "Just don't let anybody see".

So I didn't.

But it wasn’t healthy, or smart. And occasionally when the emotion built up I would cry on my own. Not because I needed to change things. It was part of accepting things - and releasing the emotion that was holding me back.

Fast forward 20 years, and it’s no wonder the workplace is not good at emotional intelligence. At navigating conversations about the person beyond the work.

COVID was a "permission point". There were so many triggers and tensions that it just wasn’t possible to suppress all the emotions.

Everyone felt the wobbles. The false wall between work and life crumbled. The effort to pretend was just too great, and so we were able to be more honest.

And people liked not having to pretend. They could be more open about how they were feeling. They liked bringing their whole self to work.

They liked sharing and not feeling alone.

But the corporate world is just at the beginning of learning emotional management.

It's a huge shift to go from suppressing emotions, to exploring them. To understand where they are coming from, and what they are trying to say.

Emotional intelligence has many benefits.

It leads to real conversations with others. Why was that person upset? Could it have been avoided? What could I do differently next time? How can I help them work through their emotions? (rather than suppress them).

Empathy creates connection, trust and psychological safety. Which makes everything work better.

Best of all - emotional management develops resilience. We don't have to be afraid of our emotions. They can help us.

Today I think tears in the workplace are a sign of honesty and bravery. That you are willing and ready to be fully human.

Why would we want to be anything less?